Family quarrels get worse with age

The study carried out by psychologists from the University of Michigan also found that parents are more likely to quarrel with adult daughters than with sons, while the grown-up offspring were more likely to quarrel with mothers than fathers.

"The parent-child relationship is one of the longest lasting social ties human beings establish. This tie is often highly positive and supportive but it also commonly includes feelings of irritation, tension and ambivalence," said Kira Birditt, lead author of the study and researcher at the University of Michigan Institute for Social Research (ISR).

Details of the study
To reach their findings, Birditt and colleagues at Purdue and Pennsylvania State universities examined the relationship between 474 parents and adult children who were at least 22-year-old.

The researchers asked all the participants to write down details of conversations, and problems they had in the past. They asked them about tensions related to topics like personality differences, children's finances, housekeeping habits, lifestyles, as well as their past relationship problems and how often they contacted each other.

What the findings indicate
After analyzing the data, Birditt and colleagues found that perceptions of tension intensity were different for parents and adult children of the same families. Tensions were more upsetting to parents than to children, especially regarding issues having to do with the children's lifestyle or finances and housekeeping, they found.

Tensions might be more upsetting to parents because they are also concerned with launching their children into successful adulthood, Birditt said.

Further, both mothers and fathers reported more tense relationships with their adult daughters than with grown-up sons, while both adult sons and daughters reported more tension with their mothers than with their fathers.

"It may be that children feel their mothers make more demands for closeness or that they are generally more intrusive than fathers,” she added. "Relationship problems like basic personality differences and parents providing unsolicited advice tend to cause more problems."

In their study, Birditt’s team also noticed that parental perceptions of tension increased with the adult children's age. The difference of opinion emerged particularly over the topics related to personality differences.

"Middle-aged children may be less invested in the parent-child tie than young adult children because they're more likely to have formed their own families and experience multiple role demands," Birditt said.

Possible remedies
Birditt said avoidance and destructive strategies can trigger poorer quality relationships, and that most problems can be sorted out constructively by both parents and children by understanding each others’ point of views.

"The old adage, 'If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all,' isn't good advice for parents and adult children," she said. "Avoidance doesn't work as a strategy for dealing with conflicts. It appears to make things worse."

The study findings will be published in an upcoming issue of the journal Psychology and Aging.